1.
To practice all possible strokes
With all kinds of tennis-sharp folks
With top-expert direction
Should lead to perfection,
I thought, but I've found it a hoax.
2.
My new serve takes off like a jet.
No one has returned it as yet.
Its angle selection
Is done to perfection,
But it never gets over the net.
3.
"Ma slice is as slipp'ry as awl,"
Said a guy with a thick Dixie drawl.
"And all of ma strokes
A' fo midable pokes
If ah evah kin git to the ball."
4.
My mentor in tennis--a saint--
Had a system that had not a taint.
"Ya won't lose atall
If ya hit every ball
At a spot where the other guy ain't.
5.
But he gave this additional bit
To assure the success of the hit:
"You must put the ball where,
If the guy isn't t there,
It's a spot where he never kin git."
6.
Oh, why in my favorite sport,
Do I find myself falling so short?
All my drives hit the fence,
And my plans make no sense,
For my placements land out of the court.
7.
Have you noticed in doubles, the guys
Whom you play with have error-proof eyes: ;
They will make a close call
With no dispute at all.
As opponents their rectitude dies.
[And it seems all their close calls are
lies.]
8.
In golf--not in tennis--the lame,
Old, decrepit can still play the game.
Though they tremble and wheeze,
They can wheel between tees!
For tennis, no carts; it's a shame.
9.
There s a fellow who never declines
To make points by the calling of lines.
If his stroke is a win
He will call a fault in
Such a guy deserves jailing and fines.
]0.
We all know this queer sort of duck:
He invariably passes the buck.
If he's passed at the net,
He says, "Your ball to get."
Or he hollers, "That shot was pure luck."
11.
In doubles this partner I know
Keeps telling his sad tale of woe:
"I get no play at all.
No one hits me a ball,
Cause they know that I play like a pro."
12.
Have you seen "Tricky Charley's" serve yet?
He says it's one no one can get.
And the players all fear it,
From the way that I hear it,
Cause it bounces back over the net.
13. TENNIS MASTER
He can flub any drop-shot or dink.
And as volleys pass by he'll just blink.
When it comes to the lob,
He will do the worst job.
And his serves, drives, and overheads....well they
just don't smell so pretty good.
14. APOLOGY
I blurted the dirtiest word--
It was viler than any I've heard--
To assert I was mad
When my shot had gone bad.
Oh, I knew something should have deterred
Me from making myself so absurd.
15. COURT AUTHORITY
Of tournament tennis it's spoken
That the rule-book's no more than a token;
For the players require
A congenial umpire
Who agrees that the rules are best broken.
16.
In tennis, one rule-book ingredient
Must make any line-judge obedient
To the will of the star
Who has chosen to bar
Any call that he deems inexpedient.
17. A VETERAN'S PLAINT
How the years and the seasons have passed
And have made tennis courts seem too vast.
Old golfers are smart.
They can play from a cart.
Tennis-wheels--can't we get some at last?
18.
I can't see how officials can cope.
They must be at the end of their rope.
When the stars so demean
Them with names so obscene,
They d provoke vulgar words from a Pope.
(Can't the rules call for mouthwash with soap?)
19. A TALL STORY
A netman of basketball height
Had our pair in a horrible plight:
Why, who could have thunk
That the man could slam-dunk
Any ball that was lobbed out of sight.
20.
And we found we were totally wrong
To pay heed to that often-heard song:
"Fake him left with a feint
Pass him right where he ain't."
For his reach was at least a court long.
21.
But we got him at last in the end,
Cause we found out he couldn't quite bend
To retrieve a low slice,
So our drop-shots worked nice,
And his outlandish height was our friend.
22.
This satirical verse is just jokes
To bring smiles to some tennis-nut folks.
Or it might pack a kick
That can cut to the quick,
If it hits where it fits as it pokes.
23.
In doubles play you can succeed
By applying the sure-winner's creed:
Since the teams come in two's
You must manage to choose
As your partner the number-one seed.
24.
Said a loser, "It just wasn'T t fair:
For so great was the power of prayer:
I was playing that minister;
His advantage was sinister:
When I swung, the ball just wasn't there!"
25.
I was playing this preacher named Ervin.
And he whispered such phrases while servin
As, "Blest be my racket
And the ball as I smack it."
And he sent the ball curvin' and swervin'
In a way that was simply unnervin' .
26. ON MILTIE
When it comes to the calling of lines,
There's one guy deserves jailing and fines.
They call this guy Miltie.
He's never been guilty
Of playing with honest designs.
When in no-man's land
Miltie gets stuck,
He invariably passes
the buck.
There is no
self-abasement:
When he's passed by a
placement
He hollers, "That shot
was pure luck."
One friend of his let's
call him Joe--
Keeps telling his sad
tale of woe:
"I get no
exercise
Because most of the
guys
Know I hit every ball
like a pro.
"And so I get no play
at all
Because they know I m
as firm as a wall.
Why, my strokes are so
strong
I'11 play all the day
long,
And nobody hits me a
ball."
26.
Near the top of all
tennis abuses
Are the hacker's complaints and excuses.
For a string of lost points
Sun, wind, noises, sore joints,
"Bad bounce" and "'Wrong call" have their uses.
27. TENNIS ON WHEELS
Tennis-playing on wheels is an art
That s now possible, thanks to my cart:
You may sit if you must
Still your speed will raise dust
As you cover the court, every part.
My tennis-court cart, on commanding,
Will reach any ball where it's landing.
Must you stretch for a lob?
It has stilts for the job.
And you're on the right spot by just standing.
28. TENNIS ELBOW
Tennis elbow's truly misnamed.
Tennis play's really not to be blamed
If it's housework you do,
Or chop, hammer or screw,
There's the reason your elbow's inflamed.
Tennis elbow is rarely, incurred
On the court--so my doctor inferred.
"You are, you'll discover,
Too ardent a lover."
Yes, that's what he said. How absurd!
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